Doc, some old guy at work keeps hitting on me…

Dr Bungga,

I’m an 24 year old guy, just graduated from a top law school, and am working in wickedly cool law firm that has a number of clients from the media & entertainment industry. I like my job and it pays well, but the senior partner – some aging hippie guy with permed hair keeps inviting me over to his condo. He keeps telling me I look like Ryan Seacrest. He’s like 45, never married, and I think he’s a toilet trader. I don’t want to quit this job, or make trouble for the old dude. Any suggestions how I can get him off my back?

Doc Randy’s Response:

Well, I do hope the problem is to keep him off your back and not to get him off your back in the first place!

You are facing a common dilemma: on the one hand you are naturally fearful of this fruity old suitor; on the other hand you don’t want to risk your career. But this conflict is exactly what he will try to exploit: he will make you confused, most likely get you drunk, and the next thing you know he will be giving you some back door action while pretending to be Simon Cowell, waving a cowboy hat above his head and spanking you like you’re Ryan Seabiscuit on the final stretch.

My sage advice would be to make your antipathy towards him very clear – making fun of his frizzy hair-do and calling him a “shirt-lifter” in the office would be a good start. Send him some poison-pen letters making homophobic threats. Do not allow yourself to be cornered by him at the water cooler or to be lured back to his condo (where you will have no defense when faced by nipple clamps and other such toys), never let him hear you singing along to “Careless Whisper”, and above all never wear leather chaps in his presence.

Failing all else, give him a taste of the long knuckle to show him you’re a real man’s man, and absolutely not a man’s man. The sanctity of your rectum is paramount here, and you should protect it at all costs.

That said, I suspect that deep down you are one of those closet poofters who would enjoy a spot of manly love, in which case I would appreciate it if you would refrain from frequenting my website in future.

All the best!

Doc Randy