What’s a good time to stop drinking?

Doc – I find my boozing seems to have taken a turn for the wurst. I’ve somehow managed to stumble home from Wanchai at 7am, and no sooner did I take off my drinking shoes – the damn alarm started ringing – and I am too wankered to know if I should wake up – or go back to bed. So, question du jour, what’s a sensible time to stop drinking?

Signed: To old to rock and roll, too young to die.

Doc Randy Replies:

Dear Too Old To Rock’n’Roll,

You see, drinking and time simply do not mix.

Take for instance the brutal fact that I myself have lost several high quality copies of designer watches whilst happily under the influence of considerable quantities of booze. Of course, the watches had stopped working by then, but that’s not important right now. What matters is that in order to embrace his passion most fully, the average drunk must ignore the passage of time, and (so long as alcohol is available 24/7) just do whatever the hell he (or she) likes, regardless of whether it’s night or day, or even if one’s employer is eagerly awaiting one’s arrival. If you do happen to stumble into the office, be sure to stay long enough only to fondle the secretary’s oversized melons and borrow more beer money from that nerd in the cubicle opposite yours (you will never pay him back).

So, if you’ve been paying attention, and if you’re smarter than you probably look, you will already have figured out that THERE’S NO SENSIBLE TIME TO STOP DRINKING! It’s a contradiction in terms, an oxymoron, moron: stopping drinking would not be sensible, ever, so why even ask if there’s a good time? Keep going as long as you’re awake, and try to make sure there’s a glass of something strong by the bed (or wherever it is that you finally pass out) so that you’ll be ready to pick up where you left off when you awake without risk of your happy inebriation becoming The Dreaded Hangover.

I once woke up on the couch with a half-eaten ham and cheese toasted sandwich under my face, which was still very tasty and was washed down well by a quarter bottle of warm Mexican beer that had been left on the table, probably by me.

Cheers!

Dr Randy