High School Stalker Chick?

Bungga,
I have recently found myself in quite a pickle. Through a series of misadventures I ended up at a rather odd party filled with mainly first year university/high school kids. Following the wise advice of Hunter S. Thompson (when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.) I was a hero to these kids. However, on the downside I seemed to attract the attention of a rather young female high school graduate (a great 6-7 year age difference). She has been stalking me on facebook and staking out the local starbucks where I am known to make daily appearances for my addiction to coffee. I am at a loss of what to do in this situation and was hoping you could shine some light.

Your working boy Rexx.

Randy Bungga Responds:

Dear Rexx,

Having spent some time in Germany during the war (the 2nd Gulf War, I might add), I am something of an expert on pickles, even if I do say so myself. So, I feel I am eminently qualified to answer your question.

Dr Thompson (R.I.P.) was absolutely right – the weird do turn pro when circumstances dictate. He was also right when he described his Samoan legal counsel (and, in so doing, described his good self) as “some kind of mutant never intended for mass production – too weird to live and too rare to die”. But die he did, and it was a loss to us all.

Anyway, that’s beside the point. What is at stake here is the fact that you are on the cusp of being a kiddy fiddler. You will almost certainly end up festering in a Cambodian jail with Gary Glitter if you continue down this path. It is wrong, and you know it.

My advice, since you seem to need help with your moral compass, is to take the righteous path and hire a couple of old (over 40 would be safest) hookers and dress them in schoolgirl outfits for a weekend getaway at a budget motel. This way you will satisfy your peculiar fetishes at the same time as breaking no laws except those relating to prostitution (depends which country/state you’re in) and the fundamental crime of banging a “Naughty Forty” (which is only really a crime if your friends find out).

As for the stalker, I suggest you report her to the authorities and get a restraining order, or else IT WILL NOT END WELL!!

Yours, on the moral high ground,

R.B.