Urgent Advice Required Doc

Dear Dr. Randy
I am in desperate need of advice! The girl I like is trying to turn this guy she is starting to date into me! He is a skateboarding philistine ape that is the biggest phony I have ever met. The other night a bunch of us where out having drinks and she said, “Once he eventually finishes my Bukowski book I can maybe introduce him to my friends.” Meanwhile I just lent her three Bukowski books a week before so she can read more of his work. I’m starting to convince myself the universe is against me because my legendary crapweasel hardly had any effect. What should I do?
Henry

Randy Bungga’s Advice to Henry:

Ah! The threat of the Philstine Ape! It is a classic. You see, life’s sadly not like the movies, where the girl eventually realises her mistake and ditches the ape for the sensitive and well-matched guy who has been doting on her secretly in the shadows.

Your girl is clearly attracted by his primitive, nay, UNEVOLVED, state. With him, she feels no threat of any deep intellectual requirement. Women like to feel superior to their man, and with this mouth-breather, she has found someone so far down the evolutional chain that she can always win. With you, on the other hand, she is somewhat in awe of the mighty Crapweasel jacket you have been sporting, and intimidated by the fact that you can actually read (and have impeccable taste).

Whatever you do, you must NOT sink to the level of trying to show her that you also carry the Caveman gene. A man on a skateboard with a Crapweasel does not look cool. Better that you make her feel truly ashamed by the bottom-feeding fool she has chosen: why not buy a picture book and pass it to her with a comment that “maybe your boyfriend would prefer this one to the literary rigours of Bukowski?”  Encourage her to bring him out with your group, and then go for sushi – not only will he be repulsed by the thought of any food not grilled to a burnt crisp but, since he is probably still trying to get the hang of using his opposable thumbs. Nothing will embarrass the girl more in the company of her friends than watching – with utter horror – him catapult baby octupi across the table.

If all else fails, loosen the bolts on his skateboard wheels and chuckle with true schadenfreude when he loses control on a steep hill and gets hit by a bus. Yes, she will be temporarily sympathetic and go to his side, but – also unlike the movies – she will quickly tire of having to feed him mashed potato through a straw and mop the dribble from his chin. Be there to offer a shoulder for her to cry on, and take full advantage when the opportunity arises. She will eventually prefer a fully functioning male to a drooling vegetable.

If you really like this girl, make her yours!

Good luck!

R.B.