Randy, how can I get my boyfriend to marry me?

Hi, its me, Alice from Wan Chai. I’ve been dating this fellow that runs a bar in Wan Chai. For the last 7 years I’ve stayed by his side, ironed his clothes, washed up the dishes, and basically done anything he’s asked.

All I really want is to get engaged or married someday, and maybe have a cute baby. But Mikey (not his real name) says he’s too busy getting the business started. What do we women have to do to get a man to marry us these days? I heard back in the 50′s men would not even have sex with his girl until they were married. Is that true?

Signed,

Frustrated in Hong Kong

Randy Bungga’s Advice to Alice:

Hi Alice! It sounds like you have a classic case of the 7 year itch!

Relationships, in my professional opinion, typically go something like this:

Boy meets girl.
Boy finds girl attractive.
Boy thinks of all kinds of ways to get into girl’s underwear..
Boy finally manages to play the “tube snake boogie” with girl.
[NOTE: do not be fooled into thinking that at any time is Boy thinking of procreation; he just wants to get laid.]
Boy and girl start a relationship of what I like to call “diminishing returns” where over a period of months or years, the sexual activity becomes less frequent, mainly because Boy realises that girl would like to have children and he worries about making a bachelor-life-ending error; plus the prospect of other women becomes far more enticing than sticking to the same old routine.
Girl – meanwhile – thinks that the key to Boy proposing marriage is to “stay by his side”, iron his clothes, tidy his wardrobe, and create pebble gardens with scented candles on his once happily disorganised coffee table.
Boy grows increasingly miserable but will generally lack the courage to follow his base instincts and run away.
Girl waits longer than would be considered sensible but eventually has enough of waiting to take things “to the next level” and either leaves, or creates many unpleasant arguments (usually late at night when Boy is tired and just wants to go to sleep) and then she leaves. She will happily marry the next dude that comes along – being married to someone less cool being somehow better in her hormone-addled mind than being unmarried with someone cool enough not to get married.

So, my dear, based on this eternal pattern, the only real advice I can give you is to move on with your life and marry some uncool schmuck with whom you can fill the world with more genetically substandard rugrats… and let poor Mikey (or whatever his real name is) roam free in the grubby streets of Wan Chai for as long as he chooses (or until, one drunken night, he puts the rubber on his big toe by mistake and impregnates a cute but ultimately soul-consuming Filipina bar girl.

Whichever route you choose, I wish you all the best.

Yours,

Randy

p.s. That whole “50s” thing is usually a ruse to convince yourself that a “Marilyn Monroe” figure is perfectly OK. It’s not – get yourself on a diet!

Doc – I need some advice on mixing booze and sex

Dear Doc Randy.

I have a problem that I could use some help with. I don’t feel like sex with the Mrs unless I’m drunk, but if I’ve consumed enough booze (and even if watched Missy Does KL), I can’t stay hard? Any tips for me?

Sincerely,
Vincent

Dr. Bungga Replies:

Worry not! Your problem is not uncommon. Looking at your issue logically, you need to do one of three things:

1) Find a way to have intercourse with your wife while sober. Try a style where you do not have to see her face – doggy works well. As my good friend The Frechman says: “Every face has it’s position!” Otherwise total darkness or a paper bag on her head (or, to play safe, both) might make the deed more palatable.

2) Find a way to maintain your erection even after a few drinks. One option would be what is known in the adult entertainment trade as a “fluffer”, which is typically someone to keep the male lead hard in the build up to a scene or in between shoots. In your case, this might be the last drink in a place where luscious young ladies massage your testicles lovingly while you sip a cold one. Just be sure not to reach climax, then run home in the hope that your arousal will last long enough to perform your husbandly duties. Alternatively, try drinking different kinds of alcohol – beer and whisky might make you droop, but rum and tequila should put some lead in the old pencil (they always work for me).

3) Get a divorce and marry someone more attractive!

Good luck!