Potions & spells – I think I had one placed on me.

Doc, could use your help. I am a retired grunt (& Vietnam Vet) living in Angeles City Philippines. I was informed that this girl i have been living with in the Philippines has paid to have a love spell cast on me. Apparently, it’s possible here, I read about it over on the Yahoo site:

These love spells are called in Filipino as “gayuma”, which are love potions that some Filipinas use. They place those potions in their lovers drink and then they give it to them. Once the lover drinks it, they will fall in love for a certain number of years, until the spell disappears and the one who has been under spell would have extreme anger, hostility, and rage toward the one who had placed them under spell.
There is also a mangkukulam (witch) who possess extreme powers. Oddly, all the incantations are in Latin. I don’t think they teach Latin in these parts.

Anyway, here is my problem. I’m sure the spell was cast a few weeks ago (my GF admitted it to me just now), and since then, I seem to have developed unusual feelings for her deaf-mute cousin (35 yrs old). For the first time in years, I wake up hard (without the use of Viagra) thinking about the cousin. So, do I go for it and get even with the bitch for casting the stupid spell in the first place?

Albert

Randy Bungga Advices Albert:

Albert,

You have stumbled on a common problem, my friend! Yes, few would believe it, but wicked witchcraft is alive and kicking in certain parts of the world, and nowhere more prevalent than amongst Filipinas in need of love!

Fortunately for you, I suspect you are a chronic drunk, in which case the spell will have had little effect. The same thing actually happened to me about 10 years ago, when I got caught in a pincer movement of evil incantations thrown by a Cambodian Princess and a Vietnamese stripper… but with the bum’s best luck the evil spirits couldn’t take my own cocktail of boozy spirits and they bounced back onto the girls in question. One lost her mind and jumped off a small cliff (breaking her ankle quite badly, I hear) while the other fell in love with the pole around which she danced every night. I think his name was Wawrzyniec, or some other Polish conundrum.

But that part is not important right now: what matters most is that in your current case, the malevolent plan seems to have backfired badly on your girlfriend, and I mean backfired more than the usual nicturnal flatulence she probably has to suffer from your overweight rump!

I’m often quoted as saying that “love is a many splendoured thing”, and it is. It’s also a wonderful, unpredictable staple of human life. So, when Love’s Shadow falls across your path, you mustn’t let it slip past you. True, your feelings for her cousin may be voodoo-induced, but the fact that your withered old pencil can now stand unassisted at the thought of creeping up behind the poor deaf girl means that you must transfer your affections immediately. My advice: learn the International Sign Language code for “I have a small but well-formed erection with which I would like to pleasure you good lady” and get on with your life.

Good Luck!

Randy B

Doc, I’m 24 yr old lad from Belfast and my girlfriend insists on Viagra…

Doc Randy,

My Uncle Seamus told me to write to you. I swear to the Mother Mary every bit of it is true, you can read about it here: http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/local-national/article3871241.ece

I’m 24 year old lad. My girlfriend Colleen (not her real name), is very aggressive in the sex department. She wants it frequently and sometimes I just don’t feel like it, and she now brings the Viagra to every date. Last night I refused, and the lass went and spiked my Jameson’s with Viagra. This caused me all sorts of embarrassment with my mates. I love Colleen and we plan to get married. My questions are: How can I get it up – as and when she wants it without the use of Viagra? Is it true what they say about Whiskey-dick? I drink a fair amount of whiskey, but never seem to have experienced that sensation? If it is true, what’s the right amount of whiskey that will get me hard for a long time?

Signed,
Timmy O’Toole

Moving to Malaysia – Will I be able to find a Furry Friend?

I have a problem this week Doc. I don’t actually want to cure my fetish, I enjoy it. The only time I can “get off” is when I am dressed up with ofter like minded furries. But my company just transferred my to KL Malaysia, from Germany and I am not sure can meet other enlightened people: I can’t get any replies from people in Malaysia at: alt.lifestyle.furry FAQ

Randy Bunnga Replies:

You haven’t left your name, so, for the purposes of this advice, I shall call you Fritz.

Enlightenment comes in many shapes and forms. Your particular fetish is – I have to say – somewhat niche. You will probably find plenty of busty Bavarian hotties willing to partake in your particular brand of furry fun (many, in my experience, are unwilling to shave and hence the fur may well come naturally). However, the Asian girl is often more conventional in her lovemaking preferences.

My advice is to take it slow. Start with just the slippers and she may not even notice it. Hide any razors or hair-removal cream you might find at her place. Spin her round into the doggy-style position early in the relationship. Watch re-run episodes of Lassie with her. Explain that you are German and therefore entitled to have obscure sexual fetishes. If she is ultimately unwilling to consent to your most perverse fantasies, ditch her quickly and buy a Rottweiler.

Good luck, Fritz!

Randy B.

Dr Bungga – I seem to have an addiction to Phuket Bars & Girls

I have a problem that I hope you can provide help with. I have been to Phuket 3 times in the last 2 years for about five months total. Every time I come too Phuket I tend to lose control of myself sexually and financially. I figure in 5 months I’ve spent about 25,000 US dollars, roughly 1 million baht. When I come home I find myself longing to be back in Phuket. Do you think this is common amongst farang or is a problem for me? My friends have never been to Thailand, and they do not understand. If you could get your comment on this I would appreciate it very much.

Signed,

Andy missing Ja, Noi + all those little muffins from Isaan.

‘

Randy Bungga Replies

Ah, Phuket! The lush hills, imposing limestone cliffs, inviting white sand beaches, and the irresistable charms of thousands of smooth-skinned bargirls with mono-syllabic names!

Rest assured, my friend, that you are not the first red-blooded male to succumb to these fiendish temptations. I myself have, at various times of my rather eventful life, fallen head-over-heels for Thai bargirls, variously named Pha, Non, Bee, Tin, Ai, Cho, Goo, Jing, Ling, Lung, Maa, Na, Pee, Waa, and Gertrude (the latter was a mistake of inebriation and turned out to be a dutch holidaymaker).

The best advice I can give you is to follow the example of my good friend, that rascal Prof. Wickes, whose lustful penchant for brown-skinned babes is balanced by an unworldly tight-fistedness. His modus operandi is to get as drunk as is humanly possible, and then wait until the very end of every night to pick up the charity cases who would otherwise be left untouched – girls with short necks, eye patches, limbs missing, jutting lower jaws, scars, scabs, hair loss, malodorous genitalia, and the like. This kind of girl will not only be happy to accept his less than prodigious manhood, but will actually be grateful for a bed for the night in a cheap hotel and the bus fare home.

Follow the Professor’s example and save yourself bundles of cash that could be better spent on purchasing one of my books, such as the soon-to-be-published “I Fell In Love With A Thai Hooker: Extraordinary Tales Of Men Without Willpower And The GoGo Girls Who Stole Their Hearts and Wallets” which will be available soon in all good bookstores, conveniently priced at $25,000 (or roughly 1 million Baht).

Good luck!

Doc – I need some advice on mixing booze and sex

Dear Doc Randy.

I have a problem that I could use some help with. I don’t feel like sex with the Mrs unless I’m drunk, but if I’ve consumed enough booze (and even if watched Missy Does KL), I can’t stay hard? Any tips for me?

Sincerely,
Vincent

Dr. Bungga Replies:

Worry not! Your problem is not uncommon. Looking at your issue logically, you need to do one of three things:

1) Find a way to have intercourse with your wife while sober. Try a style where you do not have to see her face – doggy works well. As my good friend The Frechman says: “Every face has it’s position!” Otherwise total darkness or a paper bag on her head (or, to play safe, both) might make the deed more palatable.

2) Find a way to maintain your erection even after a few drinks. One option would be what is known in the adult entertainment trade as a “fluffer”, which is typically someone to keep the male lead hard in the build up to a scene or in between shoots. In your case, this might be the last drink in a place where luscious young ladies massage your testicles lovingly while you sip a cold one. Just be sure not to reach climax, then run home in the hope that your arousal will last long enough to perform your husbandly duties. Alternatively, try drinking different kinds of alcohol – beer and whisky might make you droop, but rum and tequila should put some lead in the old pencil (they always work for me).

3) Get a divorce and marry someone more attractive!

Good luck!