My girlfriend of 7 years keeps nagging me about taking the relationship to the next level Doc Randy. I kind of want to take to the previous level when she gave me BJ’s before going to work. Now I’m lucky if the runt even wakes up to make my breakfast. What’s with these women, and why don’t they wake up and smell the coffee?
Randy’s Bungga’s Reply
You haven’t left your name, so, as this is a common complaint, I shall call you Everyman.
Dear Everyman,
Contrary to popular belief, seven is NOT a lucky number. In your case it refers to the 7 year itch, which can be very painful indeed. In fact, my good friend and co-conspirator Professor Benneth had a girlfriend of 7 years before he started to suffer from a debilitating rash on the tip of his penis. After lengthy enquiries (and astronomical bills for expenses) from a top Private Investigator, the Professor found that his girlfriend was riddled with syphillis from her sexual liaisons with the gardening staff, and she had passed it on.
Anyway, you get my point.
“The Next Level” is a conversational misery that most men have to endure at least once in their life. Many will succumb immediately, and many will resist, some right until their dying breath. There are many ways of dealing with such questions:
1) EVADE: Feigning deafness &/or drunkenness at the critical moment often works for me. These questions will usually come at night when you are about to sleep anyway, so take advantage of her choice to use the #1 female tactic of sleep deprivation and “play possum” by snoring as if your slumber has already commenced.
2) AVOID: Pretend that you don’t know that in her euphimism, the next level refers to marriage. Tell her that yes, you would be delighted to try anal intercourse with her, or more than willing to experience a group sex situation with her and three of her hot friends.
3) EXAGGERATE: Tell her that your relationship has already reached such lofty heights of wonderment and adoration that there couldn’t possibly be anything higher.
4) INCENTIVISE: Make empty promises that if she wants marriage then the blow jobs and breakfasts had better make a reappearance. You will, of course, defer greater misery to a later date (when, after countless BJs and scrambled egg breakfasts, she returns to the topic), but in my humble opinion pain deferred to tomorrow is better than suffering it today.
5) ESCAPE. Run like the wind. Let your natural fear of commitment drive you as far across the planet as possible, until you can settle in a sweaty South American haven under an assumed name. This works equally well for Bank Robbers and Oppressed Boyfriends. My books, The Ultimate Excuse: How to Lie Your Way Out of Peril”, and “An Excuse for All Seasons Volume III: Running Away From Overbearing Wives and Girlfriends” are both must-reads for you, and are competitively priced at $39.99 in the hardback edition.
In closing, Everyman, the reason they don’t wake up and smell the coffee is that they are still sleeping when you drag your sorry ass out of bed in the morning, make your own coffee, and slink off to work in order to earn money to support them.
Good Luck!
Dr Randy
