Why can’t my boyfriend commit?

I’m 34 year old woman. I love my boyfriend  (we’re together for 4 years) so much but he never says “i love you”  and sex has tapered off to once a month.  I asked him what is our future  – and he say’s let’s play it by ear.  I really don’t want to lose him and I am trying to figure out what’s the formula for getting a man to commit.  Have you any advice Doc.

Porn Addiction

Dear Randy ..

Do you think this is a problem?  If so, what should I do about it:  I’m a bit of a hermit (do they even use that word anymore?), and find it hard to meet normal women.  I’ve tried Internet dating, but only ever met desperate middle-aged ladies with huge attitudes and chips on their shoulders.  I know I should get out and meet a real lady instead of staying home, surfing the internet for new porn movies, and eating Pizza.  But its too easy.. I can’t be bothered anymore.  By the way – I heard you are quite a lady’s man – do those chicks really moan when they get off?  None of my ex-girlfriend ever moaned.

Chuck

Hard to find a job – Can you help me polish up my CV?

Dear Doc Randy…

After 5 years of bumming around the world, I’ve decided I need to get back to work.  I’ve been trying to find a suitable position , but I can’t even get those bastards at the headhunting agency to return my calls.  My buddy told the most important part of the CV is opening paragraph. Here’s what I wrote, do you think its too simple – or should I beef it up more?  Oh, and BTW, before I took off these last 5 years, I worked in IT for 10 years and have lots of certifications including the ITIL mastership.   Should I focus on that… or what? What are corporate types looking for these days anyway?    Here’s what I have so far:

Technology Visionary with an extensive background providing guidance and leadership to my clients. Background includes facilitating international cross-functional teams, analyzing business problems, identifying solutions, and recommending modifications to business process and information systems.

Best Regards,

Donny

What Exactly Does She Mean by the Next Level Doc?

My girlfriend of 7 years keeps nagging me about taking the relationship to the next level Doc Randy. I kind of want to take to the previous level when she gave me BJ’s before going to work. Now I’m lucky if the runt even wakes up to make my breakfast. What’s with these women, and why don’t they wake up and smell the coffee?

Randy’s Bungga’s Reply

You haven’t left your name, so, as this is a common complaint, I shall call you Everyman.

Dear Everyman,

Contrary to popular belief, seven is NOT a lucky number. In your case it refers to the 7 year itch, which can be very painful indeed. In fact, my good friend and co-conspirator Professor Benneth had a girlfriend of 7 years before he started to suffer from a debilitating rash on the tip of his penis. After lengthy enquiries (and astronomical bills for expenses) from a top Private Investigator, the Professor found that his girlfriend was riddled with syphillis from her sexual liaisons with the gardening staff, and she had passed it on.

Anyway, you get my point.

“The Next Level” is a conversational misery that most men have to endure at least once in their life. Many will succumb immediately, and many will resist, some right until their dying breath. There are many ways of dealing with such questions:

1) EVADE: Feigning deafness &/or drunkenness at the critical moment often works for me. These questions will usually come at night when you are about to sleep anyway, so take advantage of her choice to use the #1 female tactic of sleep deprivation and “play possum” by snoring as if your slumber has already commenced.

2) AVOID: Pretend that you don’t know that in her euphimism, the next level refers to marriage. Tell her that yes, you would be delighted to try anal intercourse with her, or more than willing to experience a group sex situation with her and three of her hot friends.

3) EXAGGERATE: Tell her that your relationship has already reached such lofty heights of wonderment and adoration that there couldn’t possibly be anything higher.

4) INCENTIVISE: Make empty promises that if she wants marriage then the blow jobs and breakfasts had better make a reappearance. You will, of course, defer greater misery to a later date (when, after countless BJs and scrambled egg breakfasts, she returns to the topic), but in my humble opinion pain deferred to tomorrow is better than suffering it today.

5) ESCAPE. Run like the wind. Let your natural fear of commitment drive you as far across the planet as possible, until you can settle in a sweaty South American haven under an assumed name. This works equally well for Bank Robbers and Oppressed Boyfriends. My books, The Ultimate Excuse: How to Lie Your Way Out of Peril”, and “An Excuse for All Seasons Volume III: Running Away From Overbearing Wives and Girlfriends” are both must-reads for you, and are competitively priced at $39.99 in the hardback edition.

In closing, Everyman, the reason they don’t wake up and smell the coffee is that they are still sleeping when you drag your sorry ass out of bed in the morning, make your own coffee, and slink off to work in order to earn money to support them.

Good Luck!

Dr Randy

Potions & spells – I think I had one placed on me.

Doc, could use your help. I am a retired grunt (& Vietnam Vet) living in Angeles City Philippines. I was informed that this girl i have been living with in the Philippines has paid to have a love spell cast on me. Apparently, it’s possible here, I read about it over on the Yahoo site:

These love spells are called in Filipino as “gayuma”, which are love potions that some Filipinas use. They place those potions in their lovers drink and then they give it to them. Once the lover drinks it, they will fall in love for a certain number of years, until the spell disappears and the one who has been under spell would have extreme anger, hostility, and rage toward the one who had placed them under spell.
There is also a mangkukulam (witch) who possess extreme powers. Oddly, all the incantations are in Latin. I don’t think they teach Latin in these parts.

Anyway, here is my problem. I’m sure the spell was cast a few weeks ago (my GF admitted it to me just now), and since then, I seem to have developed unusual feelings for her deaf-mute cousin (35 yrs old). For the first time in years, I wake up hard (without the use of Viagra) thinking about the cousin. So, do I go for it and get even with the bitch for casting the stupid spell in the first place?

Albert

Randy Bungga Advices Albert:

Albert,

You have stumbled on a common problem, my friend! Yes, few would believe it, but wicked witchcraft is alive and kicking in certain parts of the world, and nowhere more prevalent than amongst Filipinas in need of love!

Fortunately for you, I suspect you are a chronic drunk, in which case the spell will have had little effect. The same thing actually happened to me about 10 years ago, when I got caught in a pincer movement of evil incantations thrown by a Cambodian Princess and a Vietnamese stripper… but with the bum’s best luck the evil spirits couldn’t take my own cocktail of boozy spirits and they bounced back onto the girls in question. One lost her mind and jumped off a small cliff (breaking her ankle quite badly, I hear) while the other fell in love with the pole around which she danced every night. I think his name was Wawrzyniec, or some other Polish conundrum.

But that part is not important right now: what matters most is that in your current case, the malevolent plan seems to have backfired badly on your girlfriend, and I mean backfired more than the usual nicturnal flatulence she probably has to suffer from your overweight rump!

I’m often quoted as saying that “love is a many splendoured thing”, and it is. It’s also a wonderful, unpredictable staple of human life. So, when Love’s Shadow falls across your path, you mustn’t let it slip past you. True, your feelings for her cousin may be voodoo-induced, but the fact that your withered old pencil can now stand unassisted at the thought of creeping up behind the poor deaf girl means that you must transfer your affections immediately. My advice: learn the International Sign Language code for “I have a small but well-formed erection with which I would like to pleasure you good lady” and get on with your life.

Good Luck!

Randy B

Big Problem Bungga – Office Adultery; Love Her Madly

Something really bizarre happened last night doc. We were all out celebrating the closing a big merger, when one of my colleagues, a supreme being – an absolutely ravishing goddess, had a few too many drinks and started flirting with me. To make a long story short – we ended up back at my place, and, umm, well we did the deed. So what’s the problem you might ask? Well in addition to the office fling, she’s a junior colleague (I’m a senior boss), and not only is she married, but she is married to one of our biggest clients. And oh yeah, one more thing, I can’t find the condom. So how to unravel this Doc if confronted – deny everything?

Note there were many extenuating circumstances such as booze, satanic music ( I seem to remember the Door’s were playing Love Her Madly when this whole thing started), Patron tequila shots, and Mexican food. And ah, there’s one additional problem – I think the office wanker has pictures of us dirty dancing on his cell.

Signed, Troubled in Vancouver

P.S. To make even more bizarre, I swear the ghost of Jim Morrison came back last night and was watching every moment…

Doc, I’m 24 yr old lad from Belfast and my girlfriend insists on Viagra…

Doc Randy,

My Uncle Seamus told me to write to you. I swear to the Mother Mary every bit of it is true, you can read about it here: http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/local-national/article3871241.ece

I’m 24 year old lad. My girlfriend Colleen (not her real name), is very aggressive in the sex department. She wants it frequently and sometimes I just don’t feel like it, and she now brings the Viagra to every date. Last night I refused, and the lass went and spiked my Jameson’s with Viagra. This caused me all sorts of embarrassment with my mates. I love Colleen and we plan to get married. My questions are: How can I get it up – as and when she wants it without the use of Viagra? Is it true what they say about Whiskey-dick? I drink a fair amount of whiskey, but never seem to have experienced that sensation? If it is true, what’s the right amount of whiskey that will get me hard for a long time?

Signed,
Timmy O’Toole

Urgent Advice Required Doc

Dear Dr. Randy
I am in desperate need of advice! The girl I like is trying to turn this guy she is starting to date into me! He is a skateboarding philistine ape that is the biggest phony I have ever met. The other night a bunch of us where out having drinks and she said, “Once he eventually finishes my Bukowski book I can maybe introduce him to my friends.” Meanwhile I just lent her three Bukowski books a week before so she can read more of his work. I’m starting to convince myself the universe is against me because my legendary crapweasel hardly had any effect. What should I do?
Henry

Randy Bungga’s Advice to Henry:

Ah! The threat of the Philstine Ape! It is a classic. You see, life’s sadly not like the movies, where the girl eventually realises her mistake and ditches the ape for the sensitive and well-matched guy who has been doting on her secretly in the shadows.

Your girl is clearly attracted by his primitive, nay, UNEVOLVED, state. With him, she feels no threat of any deep intellectual requirement. Women like to feel superior to their man, and with this mouth-breather, she has found someone so far down the evolutional chain that she can always win. With you, on the other hand, she is somewhat in awe of the mighty Crapweasel jacket you have been sporting, and intimidated by the fact that you can actually read (and have impeccable taste).

Whatever you do, you must NOT sink to the level of trying to show her that you also carry the Caveman gene. A man on a skateboard with a Crapweasel does not look cool. Better that you make her feel truly ashamed by the bottom-feeding fool she has chosen: why not buy a picture book and pass it to her with a comment that “maybe your boyfriend would prefer this one to the literary rigours of Bukowski?”  Encourage her to bring him out with your group, and then go for sushi – not only will he be repulsed by the thought of any food not grilled to a burnt crisp but, since he is probably still trying to get the hang of using his opposable thumbs. Nothing will embarrass the girl more in the company of her friends than watching – with utter horror – him catapult baby octupi across the table.

If all else fails, loosen the bolts on his skateboard wheels and chuckle with true schadenfreude when he loses control on a steep hill and gets hit by a bus. Yes, she will be temporarily sympathetic and go to his side, but – also unlike the movies – she will quickly tire of having to feed him mashed potato through a straw and mop the dribble from his chin. Be there to offer a shoulder for her to cry on, and take full advantage when the opportunity arises. She will eventually prefer a fully functioning male to a drooling vegetable.

If you really like this girl, make her yours!

Good luck!

R.B.

Moving to Malaysia – Will I be able to find a Furry Friend?

I have a problem this week Doc. I don’t actually want to cure my fetish, I enjoy it. The only time I can “get off” is when I am dressed up with ofter like minded furries. But my company just transferred my to KL Malaysia, from Germany and I am not sure can meet other enlightened people: I can’t get any replies from people in Malaysia at: alt.lifestyle.furry FAQ

Randy Bunnga Replies:

You haven’t left your name, so, for the purposes of this advice, I shall call you Fritz.

Enlightenment comes in many shapes and forms. Your particular fetish is – I have to say – somewhat niche. You will probably find plenty of busty Bavarian hotties willing to partake in your particular brand of furry fun (many, in my experience, are unwilling to shave and hence the fur may well come naturally). However, the Asian girl is often more conventional in her lovemaking preferences.

My advice is to take it slow. Start with just the slippers and she may not even notice it. Hide any razors or hair-removal cream you might find at her place. Spin her round into the doggy-style position early in the relationship. Watch re-run episodes of Lassie with her. Explain that you are German and therefore entitled to have obscure sexual fetishes. If she is ultimately unwilling to consent to your most perverse fantasies, ditch her quickly and buy a Rottweiler.

Good luck, Fritz!

Randy B.

Why Do Some Resturants Ban Prostitutes?

Doc,

I’m a traveling salesman, and occasionally a guy gets lonely on the road. One of my favourite places in Shanghai just put up this damn sign, and I’m a little pissed off. One of the best things about this joint was that I could get a little dumpling with my jaiozi. For example, there used to be this lovely chubby gal trolling around here that would actually enjoy licking my arse. She’s now gone and I can’t seem to make the manager understand that kicking out the Ho’s ruined my desire to eat at Mr. Ho’s Zapata Mexican Cantina.

Signed, Phil

Randy’s Advice:

Dear Phil,

While I generally consider myself to be an open-minded and liberal gentleman, I feel compelled to caution you: anal licking and Mexican food simply do NOT mix!

Regards,

Doc Randy